HOW NOT TO BECOME A PMP

The following techniques have been tried by others and proven to be effective ways of avoiding becoming a certified Project Management Professional.

• Don’t complete and submit your application to PMI.  This technique is the most effective, 100% successful.
• Don’t make an appointment for the test, or just don’t show up for it.  This technique is also 100% effective.
• Avoid reading the PMBOK Guide^®.   Its dull reading anyway. 
• Don’t review the Glossary of the PMBOK Guide^®.   It has no plot or story line.
• Avoid the temptation to study.  Practice questions, in particular, will do serious damage to your chances of failure.
• During the week before your test, avoid physical exercise.  Instead, stay up half the night cramming. 
• On the evening before your test, visit a restaurant you’ve never been to before.  Order something you can’t pronounce, preferably something really spicy.  Wash it down with extra drinks.
• On the morning of your test, have two or three extra cups of coffee.  If you can’t hear the computer’s mouse rattle when you put your hand on it, you are in danger of becoming a PMP.
• During the test, skim the questions or skip reading them entirely.  Focus on the answers.  Three of them are wrong.
• After you’ve finished all the questions, go back and change your answers to as many as you have time for.  Your first guesses were probably right.
• If the extra coffee makes you uncomfortable during the test, just stay put and don’t even think about using the restroom.  The discomfort will help you avoid certification.

If all of this fails, you must resign yourself to being certified for at least three years.  Then you can learn how to avoid accumulating and reporting Professional Development Units (PDU).